***
What we say and how we say it affects others. The first time I remember being criticized was after a science project I misunderstood in Grade 6. I had worked tirelessly on the project, completing it to what I thought the expectations were. Last minute, they were clarified and I tried to remedy my misstep. I achieved a C. Later, my project was publicly torn apart by my teacher in front of the class. It took me a long time to recover from that scenario. Even helpful criticisms felt like an attack on my very existence for years after.
Another time, Chris had been rejected by a church (where we attended) for a job application. We were newly married, not ready to lead those more wiser than us, but we were passionate and full of energy. After the rejection, we decided it was time to take that energy elsewhere. A woman from the church showed up on our doorstep, not to counsel us, but to ream us out for our selfishness. In. Our. Own. Living. Room. We recovered more quickly from the job rejection than from the invasive shaming.
That was probably my first experience with church hurt.
Much hurt in our lives comes from the inability or unwillingness to think about how words, actions and inactions impact others. A difference that comes with church hurt (and perhaps hurt from people we love) is that we expect the people who have hurt us to know better. Factors like whether the hurt was intentional, whether the person was in a position of trusted leadership and the level of closeness to the relationship impact the depth of the wound.
I remember being at a conference and a broken-hearted mother asked the pastor leading the session what advice he had for reaching out to a family member who had been hurt by the church. The pastor's response involved the hurt person looking inward at their own attitudes. At first, I was satisfied with that answer because I know that we can only control our own thoughts, feelings and actions. The underlying assumption to the answer was that we are responsible for our own level of hurt, which is partially true.
As years have ticked on and my mind is drawn back to that moment, I am no longer satisfied with that answer. What is the church (the body, the group of people, the leaders who represent that body) doing to examine their own attitudes (words, actions and inactions) that have caused people hurt and doing to repair that damage? With a creed that fronts forgiveness and that no one is without need of it, where is the accountability? Jesus covers our sins, but our words are mere noise without integrity.
Practically, what does this look like?
I don't have that answer and it certainly isn't one size fits all. If we are hurt (and are struggling to let that hurt go) it might look like letting someone know we are hurt. A proxy might be necessary. People in relationships are not mind readers (at least not in my marriage!) From the church perspective, it might look like laying our pride aside and not apologizing for causing hurt (excusing rather than acknowledgment), but taking ownership and apologizing for the actions that caused the hurt.
When Chris and I argue, I like to have it out in the moment. Gloves off, go time, now! Chris likes space and time. While aggravating, space and time help. On the other hand, don't leave it too long or bitterness brews.
Forgiveness is the release of hurt. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is the act of healing a relationship. Key word: act. For relationships to work out after conflict, usually boundaries need to be discussed. I write only from lived experience, Dr. Henry Cloud has great material and is an expert. These subjects are massive and book upon book has been written.
While not my idea, but one of a friend I respect, planned exit interviews, might help healing in our churches, if we are open to criticism. Our roads of relationship merge and at other times, they diverge. That is life. When we see our diverged relationships at the grocery store are we going to hide behind the stack of pop cases or greet them with genuine care? Perhaps planning a conversation after conflict or the end of a season of ministry would help people heal and churches improve the health of their space.
The world watches how the church body treats each other, it is why many stay at an arm's length. We will all stumble, it’s how we walk afterward that speaks for our heart. When we hurt others, will we be sportsmanlike and help them back up or take our penalty with remorse? Or will we pridefully leave a wreck of relationships in our wake? Will we listen and ease their pain by risking some hurt of our own?
How can we build each other up when we disagree?
"There should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." 1 Corinthians 12:25, 26
By remembering that in the body of believers diversity helps accomplish the purpose of loving God and loving others, it reminds me that I can accept people accomplishing the purpose in manner that is different or even in a way that I disagree with. It is not easy and it takes work.
Words like “Christian” and “church” are stale in mouths of many as people associate them with hurt and distrust. More often than I want to admit, I cringe at leaders or groups who represent my faith. Turning my attention inward is the answer.
We can neither let the voices of others nor the failures we experience weigh us down. Instead we must lead with the repentance and forgiveness we long to see.
"So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up...you may believe there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God." -Romans 14:19, 22
