Socks are Stocking Stuffers

We've been gathering for church on Wednesday evenings, twice monthly. We celebrated Christmas together this second week of December and won't meet again in an organized sense until the new year. There are six children under the age of 11 in our group. I had decided to buy a gift for each child for the Christmas party.

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A few years back our church showed a video interviewing children about the worst gifts to receive at Christmas...socks was a frequent answer. Despite seeing this video, the message didn't sink in. I was probably distracted by some greater theme like, "Jesus is the reason for the season."

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My autistic child wanted to be a wolf for Halloween. In the obsessed fashion that only she can pull off, she howled at every door so the person behind it would know she was a wolf, not a cat, even though she was wearing cat ears.

Naturally, when I saw a pair of socks with a fuzzy texture she would love and a wolf on them, I thought she would go bananas for them. The price and size of the gift were in line with the individual treasures I had picked for each of the other children to open at the church Christmas party. I purchased this "perfect" gift without a second thought.

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Gift opening with autism is a tricky thing. Expectations are set and many autistics humans struggle with flexible thinking. What this means is if my child anticipates the gift to be something and it is not that something, the reaction will probably be less than flattering. We are working on that reaction. It is known as "the social fake" and it must be taught.

Guess what? My child was not expecting "grey fox socks" and did not appreciate a gift I actually put a lot of thought into. What was supposed to be a fun little gift turned into an evening of navigating emotions (my own included) toward this unexpected gift and her reaction toward it.

Eventually, some dancing lights I put on distracted and relaxed her. While the other kids danced around to Christmas tunes, she surprised me by saying she wanted to talk. We went into her bedroom and closed the door missing the goodbyes for the evening.

She worked through her feelings expressing that socks are "stocking stuffers" and should never be given as a Christmas gift. Why would I buy her "grey fox socks?" I shared the thought I put into the gift and my feelings.

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I came home from work the following day to fuzzy feet loving her new pair of wolf grey fox socks. She gushed how they kept her feet warm and she grinned as she ran her fingers along the tops taking in the texture.

Sometimes neurodiverse people need time to appreciate a gift or adjust their expectations. If you give someone you love a gift this season and don't get the reaction you hope, remember not everyone has mastered the social fake and the genuine appreciation is worth the wait.

Oh and in case you didn't get the message, socks are stocking stuffers.

Hooky

 "I'm coming with a heart of worship

I'm bringing in a brand new song

I'm ready to see the unthinkable

I'm ready for a miracle

Hearts praying for fresh encounter

Souls looking to the living God

I'm ready for a real revival

O Holy Spirit"

-Patrick Mayberry

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Sometimes I skip Sunday church. My only reason is that I am a Monday-to-Friday-working-full-time mom and the weekends are always too short, especially in December. I am an introvert who spends A LOT of time with people and children. I need time by myself to recharge. Often my alone time is spent dodging my children. Sitting in the kitchen, in the open, and music blaring is better than trying to hide. As soon as I hide, in their eyes, the game to find me and make demands begins.

This brings me to hiding from church from time to time. I am not talking about hiding from God. I am not talking about hiding from community. I am talking about literally the building and all it can entail. Church often makes me feel not good enough, especially when I am new. I have been "new" to a great number of churches in my time, not because I am not dedicated or committed, but because Chris (my husband) is a pastor. The feeling of inadequacy is not all bad, it's partially the point because this is why I need Jesus; to bridge the inadequacy, because He is enough and that is His gift.

I will always bring the bias of a pastor's wife to my writing and yet, I even have a problem with that, no one call's Chris the teacher's husband. When I think about church, I often think about clipboards awaiting my name to sign-up for things I don't want to do or things that won't progress my spiritual health. I am left with a heavy weight that unless I sign-up, I am not enough. The unspoken message of “you reap what you sow,” and so if it "isn't worth my time," the problem is my attitude. I am sometimes told this feeling in my gut is the Holy Spirit's conviction. Yet, I feel only manipulation to write my name down.

On the reverse side, I feel like an alien on a foreign planet. I don't know what is happening outside the walls or even where the clipboards are. Longing for connection or a desire to help I feel like I have to infiltrate a secret society. Isn't this supposed to be about loving God and serving Him together? Why do I feel so alone?

We must normalize that church participation is not an indicator of spiritual health. We correlate that good Christians go to church every Sunday, in many of the reformed denominations, you must go twice. For participation in church extra-curriculars to be healthy, participation must be birthed from a desire rather than coercion; just like a person's relationship with God. There is freedom in true love, not bondage. We must ask ourselves as church leaders, "what harm are we potentially causing?" to progress the cause of Christ.

And so, rather than going to church this morning, I wrote this blog, in between emptying the dishwasher, turning loads of laundry, and pausing, allowing music and the power of God to wash over me. This is church to me. My advent wreath sits on the table and awaits the family to gather around it, where my children will excitedly light candles and be active participants in their own faith story. My heart is full and ready to pour as I anticipate celebrating the birth of a child on whom my faith hinges. His manger cries echo the words, "You are enough, because I am..."

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Disclaimer: these generalizations do not represent any particular church past or present. 

The Way We’ve Been and The Way We’re Going

Before COVID-19

I grew up in a United Church. In my last year of high school, I sacrificed being yearbook editor to serve on a committee at the church that was given the task of hiring the minister for the congregation. That minister, who I will call Pastor B, is still serving at my childhood church and I have much respect for him. Soon after his hire, I had a meeting with him where I expressed that my job was done and I was leaving the church to follow a path God put me on. To the outside world, it may have looked like I was chasing a boy (my now husband), in truth, I was chasing a deeper relationship with my Creator. Pastor B recently led my grandfather’s funeral. In conversation after the service, I felt the same support for my faith journey now as I did then.

Chris is my high school sweetheart. The boy I was chasing parallel to my chasing after God as a teen. We’ve been in ministry together since high school, so over 20 years. During this time Chris has been a lay pastor, usually without remuneration. We are grateful for a season of 5 years where working for the church also helped pay the bills and I was able to teach part-time and stay home to help raise our three daughters.

During our ministry, we have spent a lot of time in transition: helping churches during the season of a pastor leaving or our own shift to a new path. We are leaving our latest transition period behind. After “retiring” from youth ministry on a high point in the summer of 2019, Chris took a stepping stone to our next season of service. He joined a local mission organization whose commission was to serve Northern and local churches with carnival supplies (aka bouncy castle missions). This step was always temporary, but we felt it was the right one, as we weren’t ready to share what was further along the path with everyone.

Enter COVID-19

God foresaw Chris’ pulmonary embolism that fall as well as the COVID-19 pandemic. Both of these events caused the shift in plans of Chris being staff with the mission organization to serving on the board of trustees. He is currently helping the organization through a transition of its own.

COVID-19 had us be a part of three different church congregations where we healed, learned, refined a vision, and prepared for the next season of ministry. We are thankful to each of these community spaces who helped shaped the way forward for us.

During autumn 2020, we purchased a cottage at Braeside Camp believing this to be a part of what was next to come. At Braeside, we have watched our children’s health and faith turn around positively (and our sanity) after a difficult period of isolation that most of us suffered together apart during the pandemic. The campground has been a place of reflection and restoration in the 5 years we have been enjoying it. We hope for it to be a place of joy for family and friends in the years to come.

Teaching from home and vagrant churching saw me in desire of friendship without my regular in-person interactions. The second and third stages of the pandemic lockdown in Ontario left me void. Cue Alberta stirring our lives. Chris has been mentored by a national PAOC pastor from Alberta during the pandemic. The favourable contributions of someone 3000 km away floored me. Another mentor I have grown a respect for.

By what could only be God, I reconnected virtually with a friend from high school who also lives in Alberta. Weekly at 9:30 pm my time and 7:30 pm her time we defied logic, time, and space and in my mind, I began faithfully attending “church” again in the form of video and phone calls. If God can positively impact our lives beyond comprehension from Alberta, how much more can He do in our local communities? If a pastor’s wife can be void and broken, how many more out there are feeling the same thing?

Now

We don’t want to do the same thing we’ve always done in church. Listen, we love and respect the church as is, but we are all members of the same body with different roles…we are embracing our role. People are not projects that require saving. People need love without strings attached. Our lives are richer because faith is at the center and we want to share that journey with people, old and new. We want to share their journey whether we believe the same thing or not.

As Pastor B said to me at the end of my grandfather’s funeral: We can’t limit God to church. He can be found in nature or unconventional places. My grandfather wasn’t religious (I don’t call myself religious either but that is another blog altogether) but I believe He embraced God on our weekly phone calls and many visits. His faith journey was his own to travel and I was but a sojourner.

The way is often unconventional. The way often lacks walls. The way to the Father is through Jesus. But, this isn’t about making converts to Christianity. This is about being sojourners in a community of people, those who call Christianity their faith and those who don’t. I am dependent on God for my continued existence. We hope to see old and new faces as sojourners on our journey of a new (and yet old) way of doing church.

Adding God or church to our lives is not enough. Let’s meet Him where we are and watch Him multiply the love in our lives. As an old song in my childhood church says, “The church is not a building, the church is not a steeple, the church is not a resting place…the church is the people.”

Are we more concerned with our families attending church programs each week, or are we more concerned about them meeting with God each day? (Paraphrased from Barb Raveling’s Freedom from Emotional Eating, p.124, 2008)

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me…Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by the Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

-John14:6, 21

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Stay tuned for more information about Way Groups: the way we will be doing church starting September 2021.