"I'm coming with a heart of worship
I'm bringing in a brand new song
I'm ready to see the unthinkable
I'm ready for a miracle
Hearts praying for fresh encounter
Souls looking to the living God
I'm ready for a real revival
O Holy Spirit"
-Patrick Mayberry
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Sometimes I skip Sunday church. My only reason is that I am a Monday-to-Friday-working-full-time mom and the weekends are always too short, especially in December. I am an introvert who spends A LOT of time with people and children. I need time by myself to recharge. Often my alone time is spent dodging my children. Sitting in the kitchen, in the open, and music blaring is better than trying to hide. As soon as I hide, in their eyes, the game to find me and make demands begins.
This brings me to hiding from church from time to time. I am not talking about hiding from God. I am not talking about hiding from community. I am talking about literally the building and all it can entail. Church often makes me feel not good enough, especially when I am new. I have been "new" to a great number of churches in my time, not because I am not dedicated or committed, but because Chris (my husband) is a pastor. The feeling of inadequacy is not all bad, it's partially the point because this is why I need Jesus; to bridge the inadequacy, because He is enough and that is His gift.
I will always bring the bias of a pastor's wife to my writing and yet, I even have a problem with that, no one call's Chris the teacher's husband. When I think about church, I often think about clipboards awaiting my name to sign-up for things I don't want to do or things that won't progress my spiritual health. I am left with a heavy weight that unless I sign-up, I am not enough. The unspoken message of “you reap what you sow,” and so if it "isn't worth my time," the problem is my attitude. I am sometimes told this feeling in my gut is the Holy Spirit's conviction. Yet, I feel only manipulation to write my name down.
On the reverse side, I feel like an alien on a foreign planet. I don't know what is happening outside the walls or even where the clipboards are. Longing for connection or a desire to help I feel like I have to infiltrate a secret society. Isn't this supposed to be about loving God and serving Him together? Why do I feel so alone?
We must normalize that church participation is not an indicator of spiritual health. We correlate that good Christians go to church every Sunday, in many of the reformed denominations, you must go twice. For participation in church extra-curriculars to be healthy, participation must be birthed from a desire rather than coercion; just like a person's relationship with God. There is freedom in true love, not bondage. We must ask ourselves as church leaders, "what harm are we potentially causing?" to progress the cause of Christ.
And so, rather than going to church this morning, I wrote this blog, in between emptying the dishwasher, turning loads of laundry, and pausing, allowing music and the power of God to wash over me. This is church to me. My advent wreath sits on the table and awaits the family to gather around it, where my children will excitedly light candles and be active participants in their own faith story. My heart is full and ready to pour as I anticipate celebrating the birth of a child on whom my faith hinges. His manger cries echo the words, "You are enough, because I am..."
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Disclaimer: these generalizations do not represent any particular church past or present.
