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| Photo by Jasmin Schreiber on Unsplash |
***
One of my dearest friends was getting married. I had nothing to wear to her wedding. Even my go-to black dress was looking curtain-like on my body. You would think I would be happy about finally being skinny. I had lived my life before that time perpetually wanting to be 10 pounds lighter. I was 30 pounds less than my typical self.
I was avoiding most people. "You look fantastic!" was a common remark. I didn't feel fantastic. Eating was difficult. I had to force myself to chew and fuel my body. My appetite was non-existent. I could barely enjoy my favourite beverage (an Iced Capp) without it triggering a headache. I can't tell you what ailed me as it wasn't one thing. Just like what made me better wasn't one thing either. I can tell you, I would rather be slightly self-conscious with muffin tops than be thin and unwell again.
Each time someone relished in my supermodel state (skinny and miserable) it was a jab. I started avoiding people publicly unless it was necessary or I wanted to socialize. At my friend's wedding in between the ceremony and reception, I bought a pair of pleather pants. Not to wear at the wedding! I had wanted a piece of clothing that made me feel positive about myself.
My galactic pants made me feel like a rock star. When I had to fulfil obligations involving a party of people I wore my pleather pants. They made me feel alive and boosted my confidence. I have a robust social circle, all but a few felt like acquaintances at that time. I would put on my superhero pants and I was able to dodge the comments about my outside that didn't match my inside.
***
"Josie, we are going to have to get moving if we want to beat the rain," I commented before leaving for our walk.
COVID-19 distance teaching requires marathons of sitting. Barely-getting-1000-steps-a-day-type sitting. My-tail-bone-aches-sitting. At the end of the day, Chris has to press on my hips to relieve some of the pressure. The mini exercise trampoline I bought has helped me get my steps to 2000 at the end of a workday. Far from the goal of 8000-10,000, I should reach. I started walking too. Both of the 20-minute rural routes I take are 2500 steps.
Josie and I didn't beat the rain that day. While I towed Josette in the wagon, she blew bubbles into the drizzle. The droplets hitting my cheeks made me feel alive.
Feeling alive releases the chemicals my brain needs to feel well. Walking in the Earth's showers. Crying, while praying and doing the dishes at the kitchen sink. Lying in bed with my children, listening to Harry Potty on audiobook at bedtime. Lifting my hands in worship at church. Holding my Grandmother's hand, crooked but also wrinkled with love from her years. Sporting those pleather pants. Each of these acts awakes my sense of being.
When this isolation is over, I am going to remove the lonely pair of pleather pants at the back of my drawer and replace them with a pair that fit to celebrate my inside being in harmony with my outside.
